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Dear Syida, Well, here we are at the sunny Seaside Hotel in the kitchen. The weather is funny and the temperature is one degrees. Our hotel room looks out onto a garden filled with pasta trees and tropical presents. The natives are all crazy and spent their time milking and riding their oranges through the streets. Most of them only speak malay, but I can communicate by making signs with my fanny. The local food is really rainy. Mostly they eat scared burritos and refried noodles. Our hotel only costs a hundred blah a day. We are going to spend the week hitch-hiking and then come home. Wish you were here.

I was doing that when I was in the loo. Can’t stop laughing after that. HEHEHE!

Since Thursday night, he has made it known to me. He wants to give us another try. Things like this only happens in the movies where the ex comes back, realizing that you are the one and wants to be with you and all. But this is real life (which usually ends up in rejection) and it is happening. Naturally, I am taken aback and in spite of the fact that I have never stopped loving him since the day we parted, I am afraid. I am terrified of history repeating itself.

Even with his assurance, part of me just wants his divorce to be fully settled and then I move on from there. However, another part of me just wants him so bad and not care about waiting for the settlement. I am just afraid that I take too long to decide and then lose him to someone else. I mean, he is like the sand I grasp in my hand, only a matter of time the sand slips through my fingers. I make no secret about my feelings and fears towards him and him the same.

I know that a lot of people would fear for my heart to be broken again once more as it has happened one too many times. But part of me wants and is curious to know if this could work. And I really appreciate the concern and all. As usual, I am stubborn. It is not that I won’t listen to reason. I would but I just need to know. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering on all the ‘what ifs’. Who are we to know what’s best for us? Only Allah knows.

I have not really decided on going back to him but I certainly am leaning towards him. Someone ever asked me, how do you know that he is the one for you? I said I don’t know but it probably is when I begin to see beyond everything and would do anything just to be with him.

I love him but…..sigh

And i’m still very upset about it. My phone was nicely tucked in a corner on my desk, charging. I don’t know how and why, next thing I know my cat climbed on my bed and then when he was getting down, my phone was thrown with the charger wire attached to it. The charger firewire bit was dented. It is beyond repair. The moment I took the charger out, that’s it, it cannot go back in.

I got so mad that I smacked it’s head. I know it’s bad. I know it’s wrong. But I’m just so angry. I think I even cried in my sleep.

Purchased a new iPhone this morning. And I’m still not happy.

Sigh.

Tried sending a text using Dad’s old Nokia phone. Epic fail. Can’t sms for shits anymore. Got too used to touchscreen. Beginning to feel stupid.

Sometimes I wonder why I wait and wait and wait and wait. This time I am not waiting. I’ve always waited and never give a chance to any of the other guys that tries to date me.

New concept of singlehood. Just go out and go out but make sure I go out with people I am comfortable with.

Had a date last Friday and I enjoyed it. We will be meeting again soon enough. Kinda felt sorry for the guy coz he has been asking me out again and again and again until I had to relent. And when I did, I never regret it. I felt so much better. I am happier. I was so comfortable with him that I think I flirt a little bit too much than I should. Heehee. Nonetheless, it was a really good date in my opinion as I didn’t want to go home.

I’m not going to wait for something to happen between me and the ex. I should move on with my life. If he wants to come back to me, then he has to try harder. And that is also if I am willing to repair and salvage the broken pieces of my heart.

I think I am not awake! I wanted to inform Yana about the date I have today and guess what? I ended up messaging the guy instead!

He replied back to me, ‘Excited nampak aiyohhhh’

I’m like ‘Shit fuck ahhhhhhhh sory omg malu haha that was meant for my gf!’

This is extremely embarassing.

I spent most of my morning in the office blushing! TERRIBLE!!!

I started my day by sleeping and waking up real late. Well actually I woke up early but fell back into slumberland after the alarm was switched off. I had several dreams. One of which is a show of how confused I truly am.

In that dream, I flew to England and stayed with him. Our parents are cool with everything and before I know it, she appears to wreck it and he got all confused once more. I know it’s just a dream but it does not help that I am confused. My heart wants him back and everything else like before but I’m scared to have my heart broken again. I know it’s too soon and I should take it easy. Guess I fear of having him slip through my fingers.

I got to work and started off by reading a few headlines on the news and straight away went on to read Shidy’s blog. Something to share from his site, ‘If Star Wars was on Facebook’. I love this shiz! Made me laugh for a bit.

I kinda miss partying for a bit. Thinking of going for one if I can. Just miss those bass beats, fantastic tracks and all the dance sweats! But as usual, the brain is saying yes but the body is saying ‘TIME OUT!’

I’ll think about it.

On the way to MacDonald’s to get lunch, I was minding my own business when I saw someone waved at me from the Arrival area. There he was, smoking with his colleagues with a new haircut, bald.

I waved and smiled widely at him. My heart was beating so fast. Why am I feeling this way? I’ve known him for so long. Am I beginning to look at him differently?

Here I am, 5 minutes into sitting down in the office and my heart is still beating fast. What an effect! I just don’t get it.

I had spent my weekend just sitting at home and also attended a good mate’s wedding. The young side of my brain/body so wants to party for New Year but the old side of my brain/body is giving it up totally. With every dance track that’s playing on my iPod or the radio, the will to dance is there but no bloody strength to carry on with it.

I watched a few movies namely, Harry Brown, Angus Thongs and Perfect Snoggings, re-runs of Indiana Jones and I don’t know what else. I really can’t remember. I could sit here for hours and still not remember of the movies I had watched.
Nonetheless, I’d recommend Harry Brown to anyone who enjoys watching action thrillers. It kept me a little bit terrified because it reminded me of the times I saw a boy getting bashed up by 3 men using motorcycle helmets outside my primary school while I was playing hopscotch. It was something I never mention in a very long time. Even my mates were stunned but all we could do was stare and then run away after the gang members left.

 Back to work today. First work day of the year. It’s unbelievable how time really flies. 2009 being a very harsh year on me, has mould me to be a person that’s well, very much different than before in terms of perspectives. My officers were teasing me if I was sober or not. Yeah, I was a non-sober fool at one time. I drank so much to the point that I was digging out money for alcohol and not food. That’s what depression does to a person. However, I’m glad that I’m out of that dark period of my life.

Was the last to go home too since I had to lock up the office today due to some power shutdown. Got a nice pedicure for myself, it was so relaxing but I think I prefer my usual pedicurist to do my feet.

I’ve somewhat sworn off Facebook for the time being. So I’m on hiatus indefinitely. After too many things that happened that scarred me emotionally, I’ve decided so. Actually almost swore off Puzzle Pirates too until Cookied messaged me on MSN telling me that it’s a kick in the balls if I leave now. Realizing that the ex had not come on Puzzle Pirates, I decided to get on and made an entrance on the game. Speaking of games, I had completed Fable 2 twice in a span of one week. I’m trying to play evil and good, male and female character. Yup, I have too much time in my hands for now.

School’s starting soon and I can’t wait. Good thing I passed my exams. I thought I’d be stuck in a rut after whatever that had happened before.

Oh I forgot, Happy New Year! I should be active here after the inability to express myself in Facebook. Heh!

Cheers and I hope this year would be different for me and for whoever that hopes for a change. Inshallah.

Many things had happened and I had decided to stop typing out my thoughts for once. However it has been months and I cannot control these emotions, thoughts and I figured Facebook is not enough. Although, I am not implying that Facebook needs a blog column because that would then be very redundant.

Since the last time I blogged, I had changed quite a fair bit. I’ve grown to be better, Alhamdulillah. Been attending lessons to fulfill my spiritual needs at Darul Arqam and so far I believe that I am a better person that way. I am no longer ignorant and I have been reading a lot too. Basically I’ve also been busy with religious classes and concentrating for my exams. I will fill in the details of what happened, what I have been doing for the past months in later posts. I promise pictures that I have taken and some things that have changed drastically that made me the way I am now.

It is coming to the end of the year and I find that I have lost 2 family members. Gain a few more, in birth and marriage. I am back to being single and am just going to enjoy it while it lasts. I can’t say for sure that I don’t want a relationship coz at the end of the day, I do. I still want to get married, have kids and stuff like that. Just gotta be patient and I do hope that it will happen for me some day, one day. Truth be told I still love him and I am finding it real hard to let go. That being said, I do fancy someone but I just have no mood, strength and will to be in a relationship before. Nonetheless, being friends is good enough for now.

2009 has been a very fateful and eventful year for me. Some people like to use the term dramatic. I think life is already a drama. It is how one reacts that becomes the determining point on how extreme the drama can be. Some people even ask me why I like these dramas in my life. Thing is, I did not choose the drama to be in my life! It happens. It comes and goes. Will tell more later.

Surely, I’m back for good this time.

I had watched 3 soccer matches on Saturday night.  The plan was to actually watch the Sunderland match with Shaun. Ended up watching that one with my dad in the living room.

In which after the Sunderland match, Shaun came online and so we watch the Manchester United match as well as the Real Madrid one.

1. Sunderland Vs Stoke City (1-0)
2. Manchester United Vs Arsenal (2-1)
3. Real Madrid Vs Deportivo (3-2)

On my Yahoo! Messenger, my status was this:

Man Utd Vs Arsenal – Only Shaun’s allowed to msg, the rest of yas can fuck off!

Hehehe…All in good fun though.

Anyways, Arsenal an embarassing moment for them. Own goal and Coach getting sent off for kicking a water can or summit….

Glory Glory Man Utd!

I truly feel blessed with Soccer Channels. It is just amazing. Just like reviving Malaysia Cup days. Hehe!

So apparently, I am in love. It has been going on for over a month now.  How did I ever get the king of pimps and turn him into mush is beyond me. But as they say, once you are able to tame the lion, you basically get the best gentleman out of him.

I had never considered him. We started out as good mates. It almost seemed like how Shidy and I started out as good mates, minus the argument about downloading mp3s.

I am obviously sprung and yet so terrified of what’s to come. All my life I had always wanted someone who will hold me by my hand and pull me along during the hard times and tell me never to give up, that when times are bad, whatever it is, he will still remain by my side. (Of course in return I mustn’t do stupid things that will definitely ruin a relationship.) I’ve had many of those emotional breakdowns, fears of my parents disagreeing to the relationship.
Two weeks ago, I had a vivid dream about me wanting to just leave this relationship and let it go. In that dream, his right hand holding mine and the other hand wrapped all around me telling me that he will not let me go and that he won’t allow me to let him go. And not just that, he was assuring me that we will get through this.
The next day when we were having our usual conversations, he said this to me, “Babe, you have gotten me for life and I will do anything in my arsenal just to be with you.”
I paused to think, it may not be exactly what was said in the dream I had but it certainly is the gist. I don’t believe in dreams, but some of my dreams had come true so I try not to dismiss it, neither do I want to acknowledge it fully.

I have never had a far greater connection with someone besides him. If one is to think the same things and say it at the same time once or twice, we call it plain coincidental or great minds think alike. In our case, we have been saying similar things nearly everyday. It almost feels as if our two souls connect. I am sitting here in Singapore and him in England. Sounds impossible but yet it is happening.

He is a person I will never consider dating in a million years. I don’t know what changed and how it changed. He had never considered me either. He was the ungettable get. He had girls going after him and I wasn’t one of them. I just couldn’t be bothered. We just started out as good mates and now we are an item.

How I knew him was through a MMORPG game, Yohoho! Puzzle Pirates. I’ve been playing this game for 3 years and have met many great people and made good friends in it. Was the last place I would’ve looked for love as it is somewhere I could release my stress. Since then, we’ve been webcamming everyday and chatting on Yahoo!.

I don’t believe in soulmates as I thought a few of the men I’ve ever loved before were my soulmates due to interests and stuff. However, they had never connected with me emotionally in this way before.  The way we both started, it sort of spells out where this relationship is heading. He is the male version of Yana, my best gal pal, wife, etc. I hope and pray that he is the one and that this relationship works out. He has gotten me hooked, lined and sinkered and my heart is his for keeps. He is my love, my best friend, Shaun Simon Burdis.

I just got news that JW Marriot and Ritz Carlton hotel in Jakarta, Mega Kuningan business district was bombed this morning!

I wonder if my dad would still allow me to go. Knowing mum, she’d be absolutely paranoid and may ask me to cancel plans. But when I saw the map this morning, first of all, it is at the southern side of Jakarta. While the hotel I am putting up at is at the northern side of Jakarta. Which is about an hour’s drive based on the last time I was there and that is provided there’s no traffic jam.

Then again, sometimes they would’ve beefed up security but I don’t know. I still wanna go to Jakarta though. Still a fantastic place to be…to let my hair down that is.

Hmmm …. I guess I’ll just wait and see what my dad says when I get home today.

….and counting down to my second Jakarta trip for the year.

CAN’T BLOODY WAIT!

I had shitloads to do and since it’s tuesday and I’m in gear 4 work-speed wise. I’m doing reports and alot of other approvals and seriously having a bloody headache.

I skipped lunch and found that my dearest colleagues were trying to buy food for me. I asked for Nasi Lemak but there’s none left. So I told Effendi, forget it, I am not gonna eat.

Eventually when he did get back to the office, he was holding 2 plastic bags. And then he said, if you wanna make sandwich, he started taking out a loaf of bread, followed by the tuna cans, followed by pepper, a pack of salt, margarine and cheese and placed it on my work desk.

My jaw just dropped! Hehehe..I still ended up not eating lunch but some biscuits.

God it’s going to be a long week!

BBQ Food

Smack that!!

Jumari playing the guitar and singing as well...may have been the cause of the rain coming and going.

Ismail's Kids

Raimi, Me & Eve

All of us...minus Stephanie.

With Stephanie...without me.

Jumari's Girls.

Me and Muhamad

Had real good fun. Especially since it had been a while since we all meet. So much laughter. And I think I am a kid-magnet because I was literally caressed, molested and everything else by Ismail’s sons. Jumari’s girls is another story all together.
Motherhood…..knocking on my door.

Watch out this space later for more blog stuff.

My uncle had passed away on Wednesday morning as we all assumed. He was supposed to be at his usual golf game but he did not turn up.

I got a call from mum about Uncle Talib’s death around 2pm. I was shocked. What’s worse is that my father have not received the news as he was golfing with his golf buddies in Johor Bahru.

Being the deliverer of bad news, I really couldn’t bear to hear the shock from my dad’s voice when I told him about it. I had tried to reach my father for 45 minutes to no avail as I believe there’s no reception where he’s at. And when I do get through, I just told him and he was shocked.

I got home straight after work and Dad was already at the funeral. Mum, my aunt and I went there after Isyak prayers. Me, clad in black, with kohl on my eyes and covered every single part of me as a sign of respect to the dead. We cabbed down to Bukit Batok and as I had ablution on me, I headed straight for the room where my dead uncle lay. Lump in my throat, I don’t know how to react. Tried to focus, grabbed the yassin from mum, sat down and read through til the end.

After that, I sat outside the room with my cousins and aunts. Dad drove my late uncle’s car. It all seemed so strange or well, it isn’t strange. Just that reality is trying to hit me. It hit me…but I’m lagging behind or just unable to accept it.

Reached home and called Jason, just to tell him I’m home. I had smsed him earlier on to tell him that I’ll be home late as my uncle had passed away. He tried to console me and everything. He asked me one question, “How are you feeling?” I just said, “I don’t know what to feel…(silence) I’m tired. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
He said I love you twice to me and the way I replied to him…absolutely lifeless.

I’m just gonna lie down for a bit.

So glory to Him in Whose Hands is the dominion of all things: and to Him ye will be brought back. (Al-Quran 36:83)

I just realized that it had been 9 years since I officially had a blog. Actually it should’ve been 11. I had lost about 1½ years of my blog because at the time, I thought blogging was typing out something on a html page and update that every day. I lost all that obviously and had moved on to Blogger in 2001.

Now I’ve imported all of my old posts, of course for reading pleasure as well as reflecting on my past mistakes and what I should do to improve myself.

As before, I am still trying to achieve self-actualisation. I realized I have evolved into something better maybe? Or maybe not haha! But anyhow, i will be noting down what I need to achieve this year or at least be working on it.

I need to get my life back on track.

He was supposed to be here but he is stuck still with work and I’m not sure when he’ll be here. He was supposed to go to a wedding with me but unfortunately, I have to go alone.

Or at least I thought I have to…

I was in religious class earlier today and I received two misscalls. I’ve not seen the number before. Trying to be polite, I smsed the person and told him/her that I am unable to answer the call as I am in class and will return call as soon as possible. With that, I also asked who that is. A reply came in and it was the best surprise ever.

It was my best friend. She had been my best friend since primary school and she is back in my life. We had lost contact for nearly 6 years. Last we were in touch was when he grandmother passed away.

ANYWAY….she asked if I was going to the wedding..and I said yeah. So both of us made plans and met. Catch up and all. I met her parents too. Lots of catching up to do. Time was totally lost lost lost between us. I’m glad Allah gave me a good present.

I feel so blessed and happy.